I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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