What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
