Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
