Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
