He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize