I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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