Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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