Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
