there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
