Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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