I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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