last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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