She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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