Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
