oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
