well I can't set my house on fire every night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
