i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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