oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
