this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
