just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
