Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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