i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
