Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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