and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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