i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
