I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
