Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize