Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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