my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
