My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
