Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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