This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
