the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
