Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
