My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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