I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
