I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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