K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
