I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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