I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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