I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
COCAINE IS GR8
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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