I got chris browned last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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