Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
