let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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