I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
