Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
