I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
