I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
