Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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