her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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