does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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