Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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