i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
