I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
