Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Randomize
