someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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