my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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