When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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